This is my third Christmas alone.  I had others when I was younger, but they don’t really count as I spent the day drinking or drunk.  I stopped celebrating, really, before I was divorced. My ex-wife didn’t like the holiday at all. She’d lost her mother and was estranged from the rest of her family.  The holidays just reminded her of all she didn’t have.  For years, I tried, but there was no chance I was ever going to erase that void.  I loved Christmas, which presented a problem.  Eventually, after years of disagreement and sometimes, fighting we just stopped doing Christmas.  I resented her for it.  I felt it was another thing I had to give up to make her happy, when she wasn’t willing to compromise for me. I see now that my insistence, for years, on celebrating a holiday that brought her pain was pretty shitty. I was a Christmas asshole.

So, once I left my marriage, I swore I would do Christmas again. One of my dear friends got me a small tree and some gifts. It was very cute and festive.  That was my first one alone alone. .  I had moved out of our shared home a week before.  It’s wasn’t the same.  I felt I was celebrating because I was supposed to be, not because I wanted to. Celebrating the holiday really was impossible given the circumstances. It didn’t feel like Christmas.  It didn’t feel like anything really.

I fully expected to be filled to the brim with Christmas spirit the next year.  I had weathered a very serious health crisis and had come out in not too bad shape.  I had met a wonderful woman and was excited about getting to learn more about her.  Things were definitely on the upswing. I was going to be alone, but I had been by myself for a year now so that didn’t bother me.  I kept waiting for the holiday spirit to come upon me, things were good! Now, as much as I enjoyed exchanging gifts with my gf (who doesn’t like giving/getting presents??) there was no Christmas miracle. My heart didn’t grow three times that day.  It felt like just another day, only with gifts. ‘Twas meh.

So, here we are. I stopped pretending this is something I’m going to celebrate. When people ask me what I’m going to do for the holiday I tell them I don’t do Christmas.  I still exchange gifts with my girlfriend. (She still seems to like me a year later…weird!).  Other than that, it’s just another day for me.  I think being alone is what’s changed it.  When you’re with family or others you go along, whether you feel like celebrating or not.  I can celebrate how and if I wish.  I still listen to Christmas music and I’ll eat some cookies if someone makes them for me.  But I do that any time of year.  So, I guess my Christmas wish for you, is to do whatever the fuck you want for Christmas…be it a celebration or nothing at all.