Month: January 2018

I’m Sick And I Hate It…

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I’m not very good at being sick.  I know, what’s to be good at?  Like everything else in life, there are all kinds of behaviors and actions around being ill that we learn.  If you’ve dated more than a few people think about how different they are at being sick.  Everyone has a way of being when they’re not feeling well that they’ve learned from their caregivers over the years.  I act differently then you do. Some people are more accepting of being sick or uncomfortable.  I am not one of those people.

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For the most part, I want it over with quickly and I don’t want to talk about it.  I didn’t have a doting make you soup hold your hand kind of Mom.  Being sick was an inconvenience for her and you knew and felt that. You’d better be really sick too, she could see through a fake illness with laser beam precision.  Unless you were ejecting fluids or shooting out arterial blood, your ass was going to school too.   Taking care of your whiny ass was not at the top of her list of things to do.  You didn’t get any sympathy in my house if you were sick.

like a man

So, I’m a quiet cootie carrier. I try not to make a big deal out of it, make my own damn soup and get through it quickly. I’ve never really ever had anyone take care of me when I’ve been sick.  I’m not sure what that’s like, how do you act?  My assumption is that anyone who would do that would be resentful about it. I can’t imagine someone just being present for me with only love and care.  Wow, look at my baggage…how do I drag that around everywhere??

baggage

I live alone so right now I’m just going to be sick as I am.  Maybe someday I’ll have someone to take care of me when I’m sick and I’ll happily do the same for them. People say to set your intentions for things you want.  I may never have someone in my life to care for me when I’m sick.  I would like to see what that’s like though.  I want someone to love me enough to do that. I want to trust someone enough to not see ulterior motives or resentment on their part.  I want to be sick and hate it for the experience instead of the history attached to it. That’s my intention.

take care of me

 

 

Fitness

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I started back to the gym. I’d left off for a bit when I started my new (horrible) job.  My schedule is brutal and it was hard to find the time.  I bought an exercise bike and some weights for home and I’ve dragged my ass to the gym too.  Even with my pretty strict ketogenic (awful…kill me) diet, I’d hit a bit of a plateau and I was just maintaining my weight. So I’m working out again. Yay.

fitness

I may have mentioned I’m lazy, like really lazy.  Once I sit down after work it’s really hard to make myself go out again. Add to that I don’t really like people.  I mean they’re okay but I work in retail. I see enough people every damn day that all I really want is to be away from them.  It’s weird…I love humanity but individual people…ehhhhh.  Maybe it’s because I deal with people when they’re generally disappointed and angry that I’m ambivalent about them. So it’s hard to go outside, that’s where the people are.

people

But I’ve managed to get to the gym twice this week and I worked out at home once as well.  Get back on that horse!  I’m in far better shape than I was before my heart attack/blood clot/veins tried to kill me thing but I have work to do. I’m a big fat fatty.  People hate it when I say that.  “Oh no, you’re not! Don’t say that! You’re just big.” Uhhh yeah, big and fat.  The thing is I’m not disparaging myself, it’s a fact.  I’m not judging myself.  I’m not a bad person because I’m overweight.  I’m wonderful and chicks dig me.  I’m not trying to lose weight to look better.  I’m damn cute as I am right now. Remember, you have to watch out for the cute ones.

murder bunny

I want to be healthier, that’s all.  Almost dying has a way of getting your attention.  Being really sick does too.  I was barely able to take care of myself.  I was very very sick and I live alone.  Chronic illness is not something I want in my life.  That was a really huge wake-up call. I need to get healthier to minimize the risk of that sort of thing happening again.  I know, I’m getting older shit’s going to happen.  Knowing that it really makes it so much more important that I work on this.  I’m in the best shape right now of my adult life, and I hope that just keeps improving.

granny

 

I Don’t Wanna Write!

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I read somewhere that the best advice you can get as a writer is to write every day.  Why that sounds like wonderful advice!  I’m trying to improve my rusty as fuck writing skills so this advice is especially cogent to me. That’s why I put out this fabulous blog no one reads.  Well, about 3 of you do on average.  I’m trying to be more comfortable and confident in my writing skills as college was a loooong time ago.  I haven’t really written much except stupid work stuff in years.  So writing every day is important. Problem is I don’t want to. Not today anyway.

don't want

No reason. Well, maybe.  I don’t know.  I don’t usually lack for an opinion or something to say.  Sometimes it’s just not that important to say it.  I’m also a lazy fucker.  I’m trying not to attach too much of a value judgment on that.  I think like a lot of people sticking to goals that are long-term or ambiguous is difficult.  I’m very much a here and now person (dammit Buddhism!) so this is a recurring issue for me. It’s also tied to a certain lack of self-esteem that runs in my family.

llamas

Now, if asked I think some of us would deny that.  But for a few exceptions, we’re all underachievers.  Laziness is sometimes the child of hopelessness.   I have some of the smartest people I know in my family.  Witty and charming and possessing knowledge that is simply amazing.  ( Ask my Dad any historical question)  There isn’t a single one of us that couldn’t have been a lawyer or a doctor…whatever.  None of us are.  Education wasn’t seen as all that important.  I don’t remember my parents ever really driving us to do homework.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, they were really proud when I went to college but it wasn’t a huge deal.We weren’t expected to excel.  I’m still not sure why that was, or where that came from.

couch

It’s not like we’re rag pickers.  I’ve been in retail management for 25+ years.  My siblings both work and my Dad was a nurse.  Our underachievement is in direct proportion to what we could have been.  I didn’t finish college.  I had to pay for it myself so I was on the 7-year plan.  It’s so stupid, but I dropped out my senior year to work full time. I was just so very tired of not having money and working so hard for something that I felt was never going to happen.  Maybe a stronger person would have gutted it out, but that’s not me. Correction, that wasn’t me.  I have no doubt that I would make a different decision if I had to make it now.

Efficiency

That’s why I’m writing again, well, one of the reasons.  I’m planning on going back to school.  I’ve been accepted and a remarkable number of my credits transferred.  I just have to wait a few months for my employer’s tuition reimbursement to kick in so I can get help paying for it.  So, I’m practicing. I’m trying to write every day, even if only 3 people read it.  I’m never going to be a professional writer.  I just want to be able to write well enough to get by in school without too much trouble. I have no idea what I’m going to do with a degree or if I’ll go on and do more. Who knows?  I may write just about every day but I’m still too lazy to make plans.  🙂

 

Word To Your Mother

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Looks like a good Turnout for the Women’s Marches yesterday.  I applaud the aims and goals.  I saw some of the speeches online and a few were fantastic.  If you haven’t already check out Halsey’s poem and Octavia Spencer’s speech.  Both are stellar. I heard many commentators saying that the overall turnout bodes well for the midterm elections.   Well, while that’s hopefully true there’s a possible fly in the ointment.  It’s the same fly that bit us in the ass during the last election.  White women.

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There’s been a lot made of the 53% of white women who voted for Trump.  However, among non-college educated women, it was a whopping 62%.  The majority of working class white women voted for a candidate who had a decidedly anti-woman agenda.  There is no doubt multiple reasons why, some based on fear, some in misinformation. Most working class women I spoke to, and it was quite a few, said they just didn’t care for Hillary.  When I asked them why they couldn’t really give me a specific reason.  It was usually just a parroting of Fox news talking points.

fear

There was one occasion where I and a co-worker had a serious nonconfrontational political discussion.  There were a lot of facts she just hadn’t heard yet.  Everyone else she knew has bought into the Right’s skewed facts so all she heard was anti-Clinton propaganda.  After we spoke, she had gone home and done her own research online. She came back and whispered to me a few days later. “I’m not voting for Trump. Hillary’s a better candidate”  This was not a popular opinion in the town we live in, Trump won here with almost 80% of the vote hence the whispered aside.  Once presented with verifiable facts, she made up her own mind.

women vote

Now, none of us may have voted for Trump.  Given the staggering numbers, someone we know did.  In years past who someone voted for really wasn’t an issue for me. Politics were separate from life and family, no big deal.  If you’re a woman, LGBT, a person of color, disabled…hell anything but a straight white man, who you vote for can have really dire consequences.  With the stakes so high, we need to start talking to each other.  We need to start talking to other women.  I’m not sure many are aware of how their votes affected people at risk.  Families will have to choose between healthcare and food.  Millions of children with life-threatening medical conditions have no health insurance right this second.  Their vote has very serious real-world ramifications for others.  We need to make this clear.

women voting repub

So talk to your mother. Have a chat with your sister, your cousins, friends…anyone at risk for voting Republican.  Let them know that they are affecting the lives of other women and children.  Not just “affecting” but causing real harm.  We have a chance to effect some positive change in the coming months.  Do what you can to show the people you love, and who love you how much good they can do.

We Have Work To Do

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White ladies, for the most part,  are marching again today.  That’s a good thing.  I’m in favor of any anti-Trump show of solidarity.  I think anyone who reads my blog (all 3 of you!) know how I feel about our pornstar diddler in chief.  I hope there are millions of people out demonstrating and I’m looking forward to seeing the footage and reading the signs.  So, I’m not against the Woman’s March but I’m obviously not taking part.  I’m sure you’re thinking, “why CB you’re a hip liberal lady who’s all about social justice…why not march?”  About that.

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A yearly march is good.  I would be more pleased if some real concrete action came from it.  We’re in the exact, no worse, position as a nation as we were last year.  All these millions of people demonstrating and not a damn thing changed…why is that?  Well, because demonstrating is just going for a walk unless it’s followed by actual activism.  I think maybe some folks thought that all those people protesting would be the change. That’s kind of naive, it takes really hard work by real people to change society.  The people in power aren’t going to change their agenda because a few hundred thousand women took a stroll in pink hats.   You can’t just show up once a year, the pressure needs to be constant.

dealbreaker

 

One very glaring thing if you look at the crowds for these Women’s marches is the racial makeup.  It’s predominantly white women. Sure, there are a few women of color but it’s really a sea of white.  This is even truer this year as many WOC are not marching.  In fact, some are even calling for boycotts.  Wait!  What the…  Aren’t we all women?  Don’t we share in the struggle?  Sure we do.  But we do not share in the struggle equally.  All the things that people are marching against…harassment, the wage gap, lack of healthcare affect Women of Color disproportionately.  So, yes we all have these issues in common. White women started marching when these things started to more obviously affect them too under Trump. None of these issues are new, just the white lady response to them. However, the problem is that when it comes to things that mainly affect minority women, like police brutality, white women are silent.  How many white women do you see at Black Lives matters marches?

Black Lives Matter Black Friday

So, march if it makes you feel better.  I would also suggest a few other things that can help foment real change. Most are simple and will only take you a small amount of time.  Sign petitions.  I know…easy.  Write letters or call your elected representatives both local and federal.  It’s amazing how effective phone call campaigns and the court of public opinion is.  Corporate America may own the politicians, but YOU elect them. Go to town hall meetings with your elected officials and give them Hell.  Boo their asses.  They hate it, and you’ll feel better! Vote. Only about 60% of registered voters even bothered to go to the polls the last election.  That’s pretty sad, but consider how fewer there are for nonpresidential and local elections.

protest this shit

 

Now this one no everyone can do, but most of us can.  Give money to activist groups who are actually doing the work.  I’m not talking a million dollars.  I give maybe $30-50 dollars a month.  If there’s a local candidate you support, send them some cash.  Just be sure to give it directly to them and not the political party as they may not get it.  Money is, unfortunately, the most effective way to create change in our society.  The problem lies with the party that is the least likely to help people, gets the most money.   There’s a reason why billionaires got a tax cut.  So, give as much as you can, as often as you can.  I’ve added a couple of links at the bottom to help get you started.

introverts

So by all means march.  But don’t lose sight of the fact that we have to work. Listen to voices that aren’t your own.  There are activist groups that have been fighting the good fight long before Trump came to power.   Channel some of that energy for change into groups that already working towards that goal.  There are tons of Progressive groups out there. Get involved!  You have to do more than march.

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://www.colorofchange.org/

https://www.splcenter.org/

https://www.lambdalegal.org/

https://blacklivesmatter.com/

Things I’ve Learned About Heterosexuals

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Well, this whole Aziz Ansari thing has certainly been an eye-opener for me.  Let’s get one thing out of the way to start.  I have never dated men.  Yeah, I’ve made out with a couple while drunk but never been on dates or anything like that.  I’m just not heterosexual, not that there’s anything wrong with that.  So, I’ve watched this whole situation from a real outsiders perspective.  Let me tell you, it’s been a revelation.

dating

The young lady who went out on a date with Ansari chronicled their evening.  It seems the entirety of the date was a constant push-pull between them.  He initiating and escalating sexual behavior while she tried to cool things off.  He seemed to either not be reading her verbal and nonverbal cues or not caring.  It was uncomfortable to read.  I haven’t ever been in a situation like that.  I at first read it as, well, that’s a fucking bad date but no big deal.

ass wax

Until I started reading what other women who date men had to say.  This pushy and coercive sexual behavior is really really common.  It’s not exactly assaulting in the legal sense, but it’s skeevy as shit.  Not wanting sex doesn’t compute.  If they want to, you should!  No means maybe.  Let’s just chill means keep trying.  Unless you roll up a newspaper and smack them on the head and use a firm NO it doesn’t count.  Even then, quite a few men will keep trying.

what's yours

I don’t get this.  Let’s forget about consent for a second and talk about desire.  Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to?  If someone doesn’t want you…isn’t that a turn-off?  It is for me.  Sex is a mutual thing…two people (mostly, more if you’re adventurous)) engage in it. It’s like the woman is only there to service the guy’s needs.  They do know women like sex too, right?  Straight/bi ladies…Y’all need to be telling them this.  It was really kind of sad to read about women who have sex with their partners who don’t want to. “I’ll just lay there and let him so he’ll stop bugging me about it”  “It’s easier to just let him than get in a fight.”  That is just so heartbreaking.  How the fuck can men do that to women they supposedly love?  Buy a fucking Fleshlight if that’s all that matters to you.

no sex

Unfortunately, this has led to men thinking they have a right to sex.  That they have a right to your body.  It’s all about winning the prize.  I’m the first to admit that I do not understand this.  I don’t get how someone can discount someone’s feelings just to get what they want.  I don’t understand why someone would want to fuck someone who’s not into it.  Why don’t men see how dehumanizing that is?   I surely know that the male/female sexual dynamic is alien to me.  I do know, however, that consent and coercion are subjects not enough men and women talk about.  So, ladies…talk to your gents about this stuff.  Oh, and next time they want you to play slap and tickle when you’re not in the mood…give them some lotion and Kleenex.  They won’t die.

not today

 

 

So Very Unpopular!

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More bad opinions.  Don’t worry about arguing or talking me out of them. They’re mine and I love them. They’re my babies.

nice opinion

Star Wars Movies Are Universally Awful

The first six of them anyway.  I have tried to watch them.  I really have but they’re terrible.  The first three were just garden-variety shitty.  The ones with Liam Neeson were only slightly better made but the story was just as awful.  They are so so bad where to even begin.   The first ones with Luke and Laura (Leia, I know I know) were just so poorly edited.  Supposedly they were going for a Saturday matinee serial feel but it just made it feel choppy and disjointed to me. The acting on a whole was stilted and amateur. Plus, the kid playing NSync Vader in the movies with Black Swan was the worst actor ever. Worst actor ever.

your-acting-is-bad-and-you-should-feel-bad

Oh and one more thing. Jar Jar Binks.  Someone thought that that character was cute and an excellent addition to the SW pantheon of aliens.  That person was on huge doses of ecstasy for the creation of that thing.  Nothing but drugs can explain that away.  There was nothing not teeth-gratingly annoying about him.  What were they thinking? Oh yeah, drugs.  Lots and lots of drugs.

dead jar

 

Baseball Sucks

Slowly losing the will to live?  Need that little nudge off the ledge?  Watch a fucking baseball game.  Er mer gerd.  There is nothing more boring than baseball.  Let’s watch a game where every single step is excruciatingly slow and dull. Oo oo, let’s make each game last about 6.34 hours too!  We’ll sit in these horribly uncomfortable chairs for hours and maybe, just maybe something exciting will happen. No, it’s just guys spitting and grabbing their dicks every 2 seconds. As your spine begins to calcify and your muscles atrophy, you wait for a big play to make it all worthwhile. It’s not going to happen. It’s never going to happen.

fan-falls-asleep-at-Yankees-Red-Sox-game-April-2014-Suing-

The Satanic Majesties who control baseball couldn’t just let it squeak by being boring as fuck. They had to come up with a way to make it worse, But how? How?  They put their horned noggins together and came up with an infernal plan.  They made each baseball season 311 games and 9 months long.  Baseball season never ends.  It’s literally snowing at the beginning and end of the fucking season.  The only time they’re not playing fucking baseball is in the bleakest midwinter when even a boring diversion would be welcome. No, baseball has got to ruin the best times of the year with its boring bullshit. Fuck baseball.

baseball

 

I Don’t Want To Pet Your Dog

Yes, I’m very sure he’s a nice dog.  Oh, he doesn’t bite? That’s great, yeah.  No, no…I’m sure he’s a very good boy.  Yes, very cute.  Labrawhat?  Ohhh…Labradoodle. Uh huh.  No, that’s okay. I’m good.  Yeah, sure I like dogs.  No, I’m not afraid of dogs. I just don’t want to pet…oh great, he’s a jumper I see. Super drooly too. Umm…I got to go now and wash my hands.  Yeah, thanks. Cute dog…

Jack-Russell-Terrier-jumping

I like dogs.  Dogs are cute. All dogs are good boys/girls some just have bad humans.  I’m a fan of them.  I think most people become better versions of themselves when they have a dog. I’m go for Team Dog.  That being said I’m not obligated to pet your dog. I don’t want to pet every dog.  I am discriminating in my canine interactions.  Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. Sometimes the dog is just dirty or stinky and I’d rather not.  It’s nothing personal. I still like your doggo even if I don’t pet it.  It’s not a personal affront if I choose not to.  I’m not here for nonconsensual pet interactions.  He’s still a good boy though.

 

 

 

Let’s Get Dark, Baby

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You may not know it from reading my venty ass crankyboots blogs, but I’m a happy person.  I get up every day pleased to be alive and having an open mind about how my day will go.  I’m not a positive aspiration “smile when I brush my teeth” kind of gal but generally, I’m pretty content.  I’ve learned not to force myself to be happy.  I get that whole”think yourself happy” theory.  I have friends and family who do their damnedest to never dwell in negative thoughts.  They are happy by sheer force of emotional will.  That used to be me or at least I tried to be.

fake happiness

From my father, I inherited what he calls a “sunny disposition”.  I am definitely a half full person,  There’s always a silver lining if you look hard enough for it.  I never really have dwelled too too much in negativity.  This is my natural state.  Yay for me, right?  Well, sort of.  I got my happy go lucky nature from my Dad but I also inherited from my parents a deep aversion to talking about or dealing with so-called negative emotions.  There were things we didn’t talk about.  If we did talk about them it was with obvious discomfort for the parent involved. Usually, there was a rush to end the conversation as quickly as possible.  Did my parents not care?  I think they did.  But,  neither of them were raised with an emotional vocabulary nor were either of them in touch with themselves emotionally.

pretend

Yeah so?  This means you’re happy and didn’t deal with negative emotions. That’s good, isn’t it?  Not so much.  You cannot be happy all the time, no matter how hard you try.  Now, add to this the fact that I wasn’t given emotional tools to deal with this. So, you deny your “bad” thoughts and push them away. Grin through that Colgate, baby!  This can work depending on the emotion and severity.  Sometimes it can’t.  There are things you can push away just to have them come back again.  Not only do they come back, but they come back bigger and stronger.  Your negative emotions will keep trying to get your attention and ignoring them will only work for so long.

hide

So I did what so many other Americans do. I drank. I drank a lot for a long time.  Close to 20 years of near daily drinking.  I could stop from time to time, but I always went back.  There was never a physical addiction to alcohol, but man oh man was there a psychological one. It was my emotional crutch.  It removed those pesky bad thoughts like toothpaste never could.  It worked.  It worked great…until it didn’t.  I don’t have any rock bottom story.  I didn’t wake up in a YWCA shower drunk wearing a chicken outfit or anything like that. (That would be a great story though!) One day, I just stopped drinking.

first step

I was in a new relationship, so it was easy.  I had another person to focus all my energy and attention on.  I was happy.  Again, no one is happy forever and eventually, I had negative emotions creeping in. Drinking wasn’t an option anymore.  A very dear friend of mine introduced me to a therapist she’d worked with in couple’s counseling.  I have been seeing her for years.  With her help and guidance, I’ve been slowly packing my toolbox with the missing emotional tools I’ve needed and never had.  The Buddhist teaching and training I’ve had have only helped me in that regard.   So, what’s my damn point?

ok to be a person

Negative emotions and experiences are a natural and normal part of life.  The sun doesn’t shine all the time, neither will you.  People spend so much time and energy denying and pushing away their negative thoughts and emotions.  Denial is a hell of a drug.  The problem with this path is your missing a very real and important part of life.  You’re denying what is an essential part of your journey, of your humanness.  Your dark thoughts are here to teach you something.  They carry a lesson for you. In order to receive that lesson, you need to acknowledge the messenger and spend time with it.  Feel it viscerally…see where it is in your body.  Find where it’s resting and breathe into it.  Having negative thoughts or bad feelings isn’t fatal.  You’ll be okay. (If you feel you need help dealing with negative thoughts or they are overwhelming please get help from someone)

loss

If you can sit with your negative thoughts start really looking at them. Dig into them. Look at them without a value judgment attached. Why do I feel this way?  Where did it come from? Is this something I really believe?  Go deep, one emotion sometimes is just sitting on the surface of a different deeper emotion. Be an archaeologist, your beliefs are what you’re digging through to make a discovery.  You’re digging to discover the truth of who you are.  Who you are is an amalgam of all your experiences. You have learned something from every single thing that’s ever happened to you. Every moment has a lesson. Joy and despair can occur at the very same time. Be unafraid to truly look at who you are.  You are the totality of both light and darkness, and both are beautiful.

Armed With Love

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Wow, I’ve been pretty cranky.  In fact, it seems like I can’t seem to access anything else but anger at this moment. Everything that’s going on today is just stoking the fire.  I’ve always prided myself on being someone who doesn’t stay mad for long.  I almost always regain my sunny disposition quickly. I haven’t been able to do that and it’s been out of character for me.  Someone I love gently pointed out to me that I seemed really pissed and asked what the deal was.  I respect this person…so I looked at that.

Now don’t get me wrong. All the problems in the world that have been pissing me off are still here.  There are so many things in the world that are harmful to so many people.  I burn to be able to change them and that hasn’t changed.  I fell into a trap though that a lot of well-meaning people do.  I developed moral outrage about the world and the conditions in it.  Now, I’m not one of those super enlightened beings who put no judgment on experience.  I understand that “good and bad” are subjective, however, I do feel that there is a division between what is beneficial to humanity and what is not.  What I lost sight of is the cause, and when I did that I lost my compassion.

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What do I mean?  For example.  Many people who are abusive were themselves abused as children. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but I can understand how it develops.  I can have compassion for the experience and not condone the behavior.  Racists are people. They’re people who are living their lives in fear.  Fear of loss…status, power, jobs, hell, their nation. Is any of that fear necessarily based in reality? Not really.  Does that make their fear any less terrifying to them? No. I can have compassion for their experience and their fear.  I can absolutely abhor their beliefs and actions.  There was no love to go with my anger.  My empathy tank was running on empty.

loving enemies

Empathy is not agreement.  People seem to think that if you understand someone’s experience that you’re accepting it.  I accept everyone’s experience as being valid to them. I cannot, however, accept or condone someone’s behavior that hurts humanity.  Feel bad for the conditions that led to someone’s negative actions.  Have compassion for the hate and abuse that becomes legacy in so many families.  Hold a space in your heart for the darkness we all inevitably carry. It’s passed down generation to generation like hair color or freckles.  Hate and fear are learned at the knees of our elders. It’s a black inheritance that so many cannot begin to transcend.  My heart breaks for anyone who’s twisted and damaged by hate.  My issue was that I was only recognizing one side of the equation.

closer

Do I still want the world to change? Fuck yeah, I do.  Do I have any wiggle room in my acceptance of racism, classism, or sexual abuse/harassment? Absolutely not. I intend to go forward just as stridently as before.  I don’t feel any of those things have a place in an enlightened society. They’re harmful to humanity and need to be fought. That being said. I’m going to do my very best to continue to recognize the humanity of people I disagree with.  Our inherent humanness is the same…different experiences brought us to different places. I will still fight against the beliefs they hold with every fiber of my being.  I’ll just be doing my best to hold love and compassion for them as I do so.

 

 

You’re A Racist, And So Am I

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I’m pissed.  Not just cranky, full on pissed off. Why? Well, the bloviator in chief was up to his usual white nonsense. No surprise there.  What took me was how shocked people seemed to be that he called some countries (Haiti, El Salvador, hell, all of Africa) shit holes.  Supposed nonracist white America clutched their pearls and expressed their horror at what he said.  What is so fucking surprising here? Uhhh…the let’s build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists wasn’t a tip-off to his feelings?  The fact he was fined for discriminatory rental practices against African Americans multiple times?  Suddenly NOW he’s racist and vile? He’s been saying and doing shit like this for years.  He’s always been a fucking racist. White America…we elected him anyway.  No, we elected him because of it.

bigot

 

When you ask people why they voted for Trump they say things like, “He tells it like it is”  “He says what we’re all thinking but are afraid to say” “He’s a straight shooter.”  The love the fact that he’s not politically correct. He says and does the things they wish they could.  The average American is racist. American society is racist. It’s all built on and invested in maintaining white supremacy.  Sure, we have this false veneer of this being a meritocracy.  We’re all told that we have an equal chance to succeed. All you have to do is look at our Public School systems to see this isn’t the case. It’s always been this way.  Because of Trump people aren’t hiding that anymore.

speaks his mind

Last night when the news of 45’s comments came out a woman I follow on Twitter made a few comments. She’s the child of Haitian immigrants, so she was rightly saddened and angered by what he said.  Her feed was immediately filled with white people saying things like vote, resist, and fight.  Couple things you need to understand well-meaning white folk.  People of color do not need our advice on how to resist or fight white supremacy.  They’ve been doing that shit forever without our help.  I’m sure all the POC you’ve been fucking ignoring all these years will cherish your advice on the struggle.

not like that

Voting, much like myself, isn’t going to do dick.  Short term, sure.  If any of you think the midterms are going to solve this problem and make Trump go away, you are high.  Electing a slew of Dems is not going to do anything to change the very real reason we had Trump there, to begin with. We live in a racist society.  Trump isn’t the disease, he’s merely a symptom.  Telling minorities that they need to vote more often or resist more forcefully isn’t going to change anything.  It that were true, we’d be living in a different society. We, white people, are the problem.  We need to change us.

stahp

How? I have no fucking clue. I’m not a politician.  I’m a middle-aged retail manager and I don’t have any answers. I can’t change the world.  I can tell what I do to try to affect my little piece of it.  I do not let other white people off the hook.  I fucking let them know that if they say shit around me it is not acceptable. I have flat out called people racists in meetings. I do not give a fuck anymore.  I’ve lost all of my fucks, I have no more left. I’m no longer going to let my silence make me complicit.  If you let racist people around you, even people you love, go unchallenged you are a collaborator.  Leaving racists unchallenged normalizes their words and actions. Don’t let them think that the garbage coming out of their mouths is okay. Tell them they’re being offensive and ignorant.  I’m done expecting other people to do the work.  I’m going to do my part in my tiny corner of the world.