My Mother always said, “Opinions are like noses, everybody has one.”  (Except she didn’t say noses)  Being a fairly boring person not subject to any extremes I don’t a lot of pushback about mine.  Every now and then, however, I have opinions that seem to just make people lose their minds.  I don’t know what it is about these subjects but people are eager…no, compelled to try to change my mind.  These are the current ones that seem to be upsetting folks the most.

Bon Jovi is a Terrible Band

They always have been.  Just awful.  Every single song is crap.  I didn’t like them when they first came out.  C’mon, the only people who were really into them back then were girls who thought they were cute.  They also became famous when a lot of other rock bands did and they’ve somehow managed to outlive them. Rock bands that had an edge, who were dangerous.(Motley Crue, Guns and Roses, anyone but Bon Jovi) There was nothing remotely dangerous about Bon Jovi.  They were the non-threatening boy band of 80’s rock.

Plus, their music is awful.  Predictable pseudo working class pop.  Docks and unions on strike…blah blah.  “On a steel horse, I ride”  Every song a sad cliche.  A pale imitation of something someone else did better.  Garbage…just cringingly bad. But, for some reason, they’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Fucking Bon Jovi. It’s everything wrong with America. I’d rather listen to Nickelback.

Seafood is Gross. Yes, Even Lobster and Shrimp

Who cares what foods I like?  I don’t care what you eat.  None of my business…eat whatever you want.  What you eat is a highly personal thing.  I don’t judge.  The following exchange occurs anytime I mention my dislike of fish/fishy type critters.

“I don’t like seafood”

“Are you allergic?”

“No, it’s just gross.”

“What about tuna?’

“No, that’s a fish. I don’t care for any seafood”

“What about lobster?”

No, I don’t like lobster. I dislike all seafood.”

“You don’t like lobster?!?!  What about shrimp?”

“No, I don’t like any seafood”

“You should try shrimp though, it’s really good.”

“I’m 52 years old.  I’m not a picky toddler. I’ve tried every type of seafood. It’s all disgusting and I hate it.”

“You eat tuna though, right?”

 

I Don’t Like Babies

I don’t have children, nor did I ever want any.  Maternal instinct?  Not a whit.  That weird noise women make when they see a baby?  I have never made that noise. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing personal against babies, it’s not like I hate them or anything.  I just don’t care for them.  I don’t want to hold your baby.  Frankly, I’m a little put out you make me look at your baby.  Yeah, I know you made it and you’re proud.  Do I make you look at pictures of every sandwich I make?

The assumption is that since I’m a woman I’m interested in babies. Babies and children are what we’re all about, right ladies?   Not me.  Here’s why. Little babies don’t do anything.  They cry, sleep, eat, and poop. Sometimes for variety, they throw up.  I once saw a tiny tiny baby projectile vomit like a foot and a half.  I was ready to call the church.  Oh, and that much vaunted delightful baby smell? Yeah, no.  Sure on the surface, they smell all powder fresh and clean.  But, no matter how fresh out of the bath there is always a faint undertone of spit up and poop.  It’s a like a teenage boys feet…you never fully get the smell out no matter how much you scrub.

This is heresy.  I get horrified looks from other women if I mention this.  HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE BABIES???  I’m a monster, obviously.  Ladies feel free to love your babies. Love all the babies, have as many as your womb can handle.  My not liking them or wanting any has no bearing…well, on your bearing.  I don’t want any. You can have my share of motherhood. Oh, you can have my shrimp too.