I live alone and for the most part, I enjoy it.  My job has me interacting with the public as well as managing people so I really love being able to come home and unplug from all of that.  I’m very quiet and introspective so the solitude and calmness suit me. I’m also very aware of the privilege I have afforded me a lifestyle where I can live by myself. I’m lucky in that regard.  I can live with people happily (sort of, I do need alone time) when I’m in a relationship.  Having roommates or living with family though,  I don’t think I could do.

As I get older I’m seeing how age makes that more difficult.  My knees make it hard for me to carry anything heavy upstairs.  I can do it but I’m glad no one is watching as I have to sort of push it up awkwardly.  A large snow storm becomes an event just do dig out. If it’s not too bad I just drive over it (Thanks, Subaru!) and let it melt eventually. It takes much longer to shovel and there are more rest breaks involved.  This is when having another person would be nice.  Just having help is something I miss sometimes.

That was really something I struggled with when I had my heart attack.  I had multiple clots in my lungs and just walking to the bathroom left me out of breath.  I couldn’t do much of anything.  Anything I did had to be done slooooowwwwwlllyyy.  It was a hard lesson in patience.  It was also one of the few times where I was helpless.  I could do the basics to keep myself alive but that was about it.  I just sat in my recliner for almost a month until I got strong enough to sort of function.  That was a hard time to be alone. I had a lot of time to look at why I was alone and the choices I’ve made that led me there.  It was a horrible time and it was a blessing too.  It forced me to take a really deep look at myself.  I started to work with the darker aspects of my past and personality that I’d been hiding for so long.  It’s work I’m still doing.

I’m healthy for the most part now and can function quite well alone.  I’m still working on things I’ve long hidden.  A dear friend calls it “shadow work” and that is an apt description.  The things we deny and don’t want to see.  The unspeakable. The purposely forgotten.  I read a quote that said “Who would you be without trauma? How much of you was created out of survival?” My time alone had given me the emotional space to grapple with these questions and how they relate to who I am.   I could not do this without this time. I have so much left still to do.  I’m blessed and lucky to be alone and be able to do this.