Aren’t Buddhists supposed to all mellow and calm?  Well, sort of.  One of the things I’m trying to become is less reactive. I don’t think anyone is even completely mellow but you can train yourself not to react without thinking about your reaction first.  That’s what I’m working on. I’m not going to lie though…it’s haaaaaaaarrrrddd.  I’m am by nature somewhat mercurial. I have a pretty quick temper but I never stay angry for very long.   I also struggle with patience.  I struggle with that one a lot.  I’m able to breathe through it but it’s not a feeling I’m exactly comfortable with.

So much I still need to work on.  I’m getting better at being a witness to my emotions instead of letting them control me.  Letting them go after I’ve sat with them for a bit is also getting easier.  My general day to day experience is a pretty happy one.  My life is good for the most part.  I’m very lucky.  I have people who love me, whom I love back.   My material needs are met.  I don’t want for any necessities. I’m healthy.  So why am I such a crankypants?

I’m cranky because I’m disappointed. The world makes me angry sometimes. The first noble truth is that you suffer. Generally, you suffer because you want or desire something.  Your ego or self creates conditions where it feels it can be happy…so, of course, you want those. I don’t know if I suffer because of anything I want. I’m distressed because the world has so much suffering and negativity in it. I’m cranky because I want it to be better for everyone.  I want people I love to not be treated differently than me because they’re a different race.  I’m mad that racists and bigots in this country suddenly feel they have a voice in society.  I’m upset that people I considered good people hold views that are prejudiced. I’m feeling defeated because hundreds of African Americans have died at the hands of police and nothing is done.  We live in a world where a simple phrase like “Black Lives Matter” is controversial. I don’t know how to change any of this. I don’t know how to make it easier for people of color.  I want it to be better.  I want US to be better. For fuck’s sake, let’s be better.

So, I don’t have any answers.  I do my best to challenge and educate other white people on their bullshit.  I’m not here for their racist assholery and am vocal about my disgust. I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve tried to explain white privilege to people but I might as well be talking in Mandarin. People either don’t understand or don’t want to see it. Our entire society is built on racism. Our entire culture is based on white supremacy and is self-perpetuating. There’s nothing I can do to change it. The world I want is so very different from the one we have. It breaks my heart.  It makes me cranky.