Another one. Another school shooting. It seems like we have one every week. Wait, we DO have one every week. More students have been killed so far this year then active duty Service Members in war zones.  It’s less safe to be a student in an American school then it is to be a Marine. Let that soak in. Your child is more likely to go to school and never come back than from the Army.  Yet, there are no Gold Stars for these families. These mothers live with the reality that there was no noble sacrifice by their child. Their children died for no other reason than someone was angry and had access to guns.

So, let’s talk about empathy. What is empathy?  Here’s a definition that’s easy to understand. “Empathy is the experience of understanding another person’s thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own. You try to imagine yourself in their place in order to understand what they are feeling or experiencing” Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  It’s trying to get to an answer of why someone may do something by imagining yourself as them. It a valuable way to deal with people as it keeps you from demonizing people who may act in ways you find unacceptable. It is by its very nature an analytical exercise.  It’s a way of finding understanding for the actions of another.

Empathy is NOT sympathy. They are often confused by people. Sympathy is an emotion. When you feel sorry or bad for someone that’s a sympathetic feeling. You’re not trying to find meaning, you’re feeling bad for someone’s misfortune. Sympathy is a reaction to another’s plight. They can be very much interrelated, one can lead to another. However, they are different. Sympathy is an implied reassurance of emotional support.  We send sympathy cards when people die, for example. It’s validating someone’s emotional experience as important enough to be shared by you.

 

Why the gobblygook about empathy and sympathy?  What does that have to do with mass shootings?  Well, I’m online reading news, as I do.  I see a couple stories about the young man who shot his classmates.  Seems he was a “quiet, but not in a creepy way” kid. He was in a dance group at his Greek Orthodox Church.  He played football, and was “instrumental in the win against their rivals”.  Why he was an All American boy!  An All American boy who walked into his school with loaded weapons and killed 10 people.

Nicholas Cruz, the Parkland FL shooter, was portrayed in the press as a poor troubled soul.  There were multiple lists of the incidents that had happened to him and how the schools and authorities had failed to react to any of them.  The overall theme was that this poor mentally ill boy never had a chance. All the red flags that were missed could have prevented this tragedy.  Feel bad for the victims, but also feel bad for this abandoned young man. We have failed him as a society, and this was the result.

On and on.  What made Dyan Roof become a killer?  Stephen Braddock went from successful businessman to mass killer, what changed him? We’re asked to understand the reasons behind what are incomprehensible acts.  I get that the more we know, the better we can predict and prevent mass shootings. Empathy is an important part of understanding what could make a person do this. Putting yourself in the shoes of someone who saw gun violence as an acceptable method of dealing with their issues is vital for prevention.

My problem is when we veer into having sympathy for them.  Nothing excuses their actions. I do not feel bad that poor Nicholas Cruz is in jail. Was he failed multiple times by the system.? Yes.  Should his very obvious emotional issues have been dealt with? Yes. Does any of that excuse what he’s done? No.  I’m troubled by the humanizing that occurs when the perpetrators of mass murder are talked about in the media. The TX shooter being rejected by a girl as an explanation for the shooting, like that explains it all.  We want a reason, especially when the killer is white.  We want an explanation as too why this person veered away from what our understanding of normal white behavior.

Now let’s compare.  Victims of white violence are treated very differently by the media. Trayvon Martin was “thug”.  The media never showed his pictures in his ROTC uniform but we all have seen him in a hoodie.  Mike Brown, shot unarmed by a white police officer, was “no angel” and the pictures used of him were unsmiling and menacing.  Eric Garner, unarmed and choked to death by a police officer, was a “career criminal”.  I could go on and on.  There is no attempt at empathy and zero attempts to garner sympathy…for VICTIMS.  In fact, they were presented in specific ways to do the opposite.  These men were shown and talked about in ways that reinforced the views of African American criminality.

We are supposed to feel bad for the white perpetrators of violence, but at the same time feel that black victims did something to deserve their treatment. The blood and mayhem caused by white mass shooters are viewed as an anomaly. We dig and dig for reasons to explain. It’s deviant. There has to be some rational explanation. If we, as white people, are morally superior, how can this happen?  This is why when we have mass shootings we talk about mental health. “They must be crazy.”  White supremacy is why when an unarmed African American is shot by police for holding a cell phone we ask “What did   he do?”  

I have empathy for mass shooters.  White supremacy, toxic masculinity and easy access to guns can be an irresistible cocktail for people who feel powerless.  I know that happy well-adjusted people do not shoot up worshipers at a Bible Study class. Something happened to make someone that, well, evil.  I understand that mass murder doesn’t occur out of the blue…something happened to make that person see that as a viable option.  I may understand the why. But they get not one bit of sympathy from me. I’m saving all my sympathy for the victims, of mass shootings and the police.

 

 

 

Yes and no. You’ve heard that phrase.  Hell, I say it all the time. I absolutely think it’s true.  I also absolutely think most people who use it are using it incorrectly.  Very judgy of non-judgy me, so let me explain.  Most of us drop that little philosophical pearl when not so good things happen to people.  Sort, of a variation of “God’s Will”, it’s said when bad things happen.  When you think about it, it’s really sort of a shitty thing to say at those times.  Something terrible has befallen you. You’re in shock or grief-stricken. Maybe scared or unsure how you can even go on.  You haven’t even begun to process your feelings, but no, here’s some smug asshole telling you everything happens for a reason.

Does everything happen for a reason? Yes, and sometimes that reason is to bring you pain.  The reason is that no one’s life is perfect and every single one of us will suffer at some point.  I know, I know…why do I always have to bring this depressing shit up?  God CB, can’t you just let me be happy?  Sure…go be happy.  Let me know how all that nonstop happiness is working for you.  I know people who say they are happy all the time. That’s a lovely place to be.  I also know these people are in total denial of their negative feelings.  It’s the “Think yourself happy” school of thought.  If I just push away any bad thoughts…I’ll have only happy ones.  Bingo!  I am happy all the time!  How do I know this?  I used to be a “happy all the time person”.

I wish I could tell you that works.  Pain and suffering are a part of life. It’s a Noble Truth and all that.  We all have it.  We can try and try to make our lives as perfect as we can.  We can set up everything as carefully as possible to make positive outcomes.  We can curate our lives and our emotions and create an oasis of positivity in this hard-hearted world.  You’re still going to have pain. Whether you inadvertently create it yourself or it spills over from someone else life, you’ll suffer.  The trick is to not push it away. You cannot deny your suffering.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be angry. Life is full of disappointing moments.  Sometimes every day is full of those moments.  It’s what you do with all those negative emotions that’s key.  Let’s look at this a different way.  If you had a sharp pain in your chest you’d see a doctor.  If you had a nagging ache in your arm…you’d get medical attention.  Physical pains are symptoms that something is wrong with your body. There is something not working correctly that needs to be addressed. Once it is, it can be healed, or at least treated.  Emotional pain is the same thing. It’s a symptom of something deeper that needs to be addressed.

So maybe you never go to the doctor. Maybe you think you know what’s wrong, maybe you already know. Maybe you don’t want to know. You make your choice whether to treat what’s wrong. You decide if you really want to know or live in denial.  My mother died of a cancer she had self-diagnosed as “allergies”.  Whether she was unaware, or secretly knew and didn’t want to admit, who knows?  She made the decision to not treat her symptoms for too long.  We all have that choice to make when our symptoms appear.  Whether physical or emotional pain, it’s a symptom of a bigger problem we need to heal. We all decide whether we want to “know” and deal with it.

So. My point?  That pain is a message to take a deeper look. Dig deeper to find the root. The surface emotion is just the symptom of the core issue.  Every time you have an emotionally troubling or negative experience it’s an invitation to heal.  It’s giving you an opportunity to glimpse at the mechanisms of your suffering.  Your anguish over anything is your reaction. How you handle your bad feelings was something you learned.  You can learn how to react differently.  First, you have to be brave enough to look at the “why”.  Healing is often hard and painful in an of itself but worth the effort.  Every painful and horrible experience we have gives us the chance to heal if we can be brave enough to take it. Everything happens for a reason, whether you ignore it is up to you. Trust you’re strong enough to heal. You are.

 

And another one bites the dust.   Oh, AG Schneiderman, we hardly knew ye.  No, literally.  We didn’t know you.  Mr. Me Too.  He was the gallant knight who was going to save us damsels from the fat orange dragon come to eat us, or at least grab us by the pussies.  A hero of the Left.  One of the supposed good guys. One of the few who could take down the House of Trump. Who knew he was an abusive shitheel? We. Are. All. Just. So. Suprised.

Well, some of us are.  I wish I could say I am.  I’m not. Are we surprised when a hero of the right, Mr. Protect Marriage is caught lubing up in a bathhouse?  No, anti-gay politicians are caught being, well, gay all the time. Just because you espouse a political belief in public does not mean you can act on it in private.  Sometimes people say things they may or may not believe for political expediency’s sake.SHOCKING!

Okay, well…let’s give him the benefit of the doubt on lying.  He may absolutely believe in the #MeToo movement.  He has proven to be a real ally with Women’s Issues.  He was a vocal advocate for abused women.  He filed a lawsuit again Miramax and Harvey Weinstein for the harassment and abuse that went on there.  He could very well be a passionate believer in the rights of women.  He can also abuse the women in his life. All of these things can reside in the same man.  He’s claiming the abuse occurred in “consensual sexual relationships”  Fine, whatever.  That’s another blog.  However, let’s assume it’s true. He’s resigned. Now is when things get tricky.  Some men on the Left and a few women are having issues with this.  Why? Here’s why.

The GOP has also got a problem with assault against women.  Let’s be honest. Men have a problem with assault against women.  The difference is being a serial groper and a douchebag doesn’t hurt your career if you’re a Republican.  Haven’t like, 18 women accused the president of assault?  He may have tiny hands, but those little fuckers are busy!  Let’s not forget everyone’s favorite peepaw pedophile Roy Moore.  Perfectly acceptable for the GOP to endorse him.  They endorsed the guy who was kicked out of a mall for creeping on the teenage girls at Hot Dog on a Stick. Seriously.

So, why are lefties so mad if the GOP has pervs too?  It’s because the politicians on the left have faced real public pressure to resign and have done so.  They don’t think it’s fair that Al Franken had to resign and Trump doesn’t.  Why do our guys lose their jobs when the other side’s don’t?  Why can’t we get away with it too?  That’s basically what they’re asking. Think about that for a minute.  Why are we being punished if everyone does it?

Excuse me?  Every single instance of sexual assault is unacceptable. Every single one.  Should every abusive man face retribution for his actions? Absolutely.  Does that always happen?  Not hardly.  Is there a sliding scale based on victim count or political affiliation? No.  I think everyone who abuses another person should get help, and be punished if that’s warranted.  I really don’t care who the perpetrator is.  Get the fuck out of here with that whiny shit.  Do not try to tell me how we’re “eating our own”. Bullshit. We’re holding our own to a fucking higher standard than the other side. A standard of decency and compassion for the victims. We need to be better than they are.  “It’s not fair”  The only people any of this is not fair to are the victims. Be best.