Month: August 2018

Humble Yourself

/ thecrankybuddhist / Leave a comment
pen·i·tence
ˈ
noun
1. the act of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance
bow
That didn’t take long.  Louis CK did a “surprise” stand up set in NYC.  Matt “button under the desk” Lauer is reassuring people he’ll be back on TV soon.  Aziz Ansari’s (certainly the least skeevy, yet still gross of the three) doing a low-key Midwest comedy tour.  It’s only been a few months since these men were found out to be at the most benign, unsure about consent, to the worst outright abusers.  Well-meaning (male)  Twitter pundits are asking if the #metoo movement has a path for redemption for men caught up in it.  Between the scripted and carefully legal (and non-confessional) apologies, these men made and the road to redemption is the part no one is talking about.  Repentance.
flagg
Now, I’m not talking about apologizing. We all say “I’m sorry” a hundred times a day. How often do we really mean it?  Let’s be honest.  How many of the apologies these men have made sound like anything other then they’re sorry they got caught? It’s also not them feeling sorry for themselves either.  As a Buddhist, I’m sort of in the empathy business.  Have they actually looked at the impact they had on the lives of the women they hurt?  Have they considered the damage done, personally, professionally, emotionally in a really profound way?  Have they made an attempt to do anything other than hiding and wait it out hoping the outrage will fade?
malice
All of this had made me think a lot about penitence and redemption.  My boss is a devout Muslim and we have the best conversations. I asked him today about forgiveness and redemption.  He told me that as a Muslim you need to do two things to be forgiven for a sin or crime.  One, you must humble yourself before God and ask for forgiveness from him.  You have to let go of your ego and be honest about how you’ve hurt someone. Two, you must go and do the same to the person you’ve wronged.  You go with an open heart and humbly ask for their forgiveness.  Them forgiving you or not is not the point. It’s not about gaining anything.  You are promising God and yourself that it won’t ever happen again.
We-Bow-Down
This is what we’re missing with these men. Where is the remorse?  Where are the heartfelt apologies?  If they’ve had a “come to Jesus” moment they’re not talking about it. What have they done to help the women they’ve hurt? Nothing as far as I can see.  They want to zoom right from the “I’m sorry” to the redemption without doing any of the hard ugly work that has to happen in between.  These fucked up men have made the very very selfish decision to pass on their pain to innocent women.  They have inner work to do and lots of it.  Giving them redemption without that happening does nothing to inspire them to change.  Someone asked if Louis CK needed to wander in the desert for 40 years.  Maybe or not.  What is the path for redemption for these men?  They could start by asking the women they’ve harmed for forgiveness.  Let’s start there.

So, this is what anxiety feels like…

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I’m a duck.  I am the daughter of a duck.  The things that bother most people just roll off my back, like water.  Very few things upset me for any length of time and I find it easy to distract myself if they do.   I can compartmentalize my emotions and can shut them down to get shit done when I have to. Usually, when things get overwhelming I can meditate and breathe into my emotions and accept them.  Dealing with negative things in my life has been challenging, but I have always been able to manage the emotions associated with them.  I am having a very hard time doing that right now.

duckie

Why?  I have a lot of things going on at the same time for a long time.  I’m not going to go into any deep detail, but suffice it say it’s big stuff.  Sick parent, lose your job, get dumped, run out of money stuff.  Add to this I’m in the process of buying a house. ( I’m buying a house to save money. what???)  Oh, let’s not forget, I work in retail, which is a separate Hell all it’s own.  I am completely overwhelmed.  My usual strategies aren’t working right now. I feel like I have a toddler sitting on my chest. I could literally punch a nun I’m so stressed.

onto you

Well, not literally punch a nun.  I’m just feeling very out of control at the moment.  I’ve never been this anxious.  Years ago, I would have just drunk to make this go away.  I was worried and freaked out about so many things when I was young.  It was really easy to have a drink and forget my worries.  I haven’t had a drink in 14 years and have been functioning quite well without it.  I am so not used to being anxious, it’s usually the opposite I have issues with.  I have no healthy historical coping skills to fall back on.  No one gave me the manual for this!!mommy

So, I’m going to keep breathing into it.  Some of it will get better with time. Heartbreak is excruciating but finite. Papa Duck’s health crisis has calmed. I’m doing what I can to fix my financial situation..applying for jobs, buying a house, etc. I just need to stay as present as I can and be with it all. It’s horrible and uncomfortable but it’s where I need to be right now. I think the lesson is to stay and not avoid it. Or, I can go out and find a nun to punch.

dis nun

 

 

 

No, I Do Not Deserve “Better”

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What the fuck does that even mean?  I’ve had more than one woman tell me that at the end of a relationship. My most recent two-year one ended with her saying those words to me. When my 13-year marriage ended, she told me that as well. Maybe this is supposed to salve my wounds and make me feel less stung by the rejection.  Am I supposed to walk away from these women I love whistling a happy tune?  It’s ok…I deserve better anyway! Whew…dodged that bullet!

Let me explain why this is bullshit.  First of all, it calls into question my judgment of what is a suitable partner.  Telling me this assumes I can’t decide what is best for myself. I know that’s not how they meant it.  It says far more about how they feel about themselves than it does about me.  Their intent may be a gentle one, but the reality on the other side is different. It implies that I am either unable or unwilling to see issues in the relationship. Saying “I’m no good for you,”  says that I’m incapable of seeing that for myself. It emotionally infantilizes me.  It says that I don’t have the emotional wherewithal to make healthy decisions for myself.  That I’m blind to the flaws in my partners, or in denial.  I am not.

What I am is flexible.  I try very hard to accept people, and situations exactly as they are. I am constantly looking at my own motivations and emotions to be sure I am being true to myself.  By nature, I’m very accommodating and mellow.  Very few things rile me and I can adapt to almost anything. I may bitch and moan about how much I hate change, but I can deal with it effectively.  It’s not that I’m in denial, it’s just that most shit just doesn’t bother me.  Most people aren’t like that. I am gentle and I am unassuming. Because it’s so unusual…it’s read as passivity or weakness. I’ve been called a doormat.  I’m not. I just don’t care about 90% of what my partners do. As long as you’re not hurting me, or yourself it’s fine.  You do you.

I’m not delusional.  I haven’t spent 10 years in therapy working to be so unaware of my own intentions.  I also haven’t spent so much time working with my own emotions to be blind to my partner’s.  I’ve seen the things about them that make them think I deserve better. The pain, the confusion, and the old wounds are visible. I’m aware that sometimes the reactions leveled at me aren’t mine and that I’ve poked an old wound.  I know why they don’t trust me. I know why they can’t open up. I’ve been to the places they can’t go yet. I’m not in denial of their scars or faults.  I just accept them as an integral part of who they are.  I love the entire woman….not just the pleasant fun parts.

So I don’t deserve better, whatever they think that may be.  There have been so many things about every woman I’ve been in a relationship with that I’ve loved. Each has brought the most wonderful things into my life. I have grown with each. I’ve walked away from them a far far richer person.  I have also walked away from relationships that were damaging. I am fully able to take care of myself. What has confused them, I think is that I felt love for the totality of their being.  The parts of themselves they hate or are ashamed of…I love. I love the pieces of them that they see as unlovable. Being able to do that for someone else has made it easier to love those parts of myself. Loving my partners has helped me heal myself.  There can be nothing better and it is everything that I deserve.