What the fuck does that even mean?  I’ve had more than one woman tell me that at the end of a relationship. My most recent two-year one ended with her saying those words to me. When my 13-year marriage ended, she told me that as well. Maybe this is supposed to salve my wounds and make me feel less stung by the rejection.  Am I supposed to walk away from these women I love whistling a happy tune?  It’s ok…I deserve better anyway! Whew…dodged that bullet!

Let me explain why this is bullshit.  First of all, it calls into question my judgment of what is a suitable partner.  Telling me this assumes I can’t decide what is best for myself. I know that’s not how they meant it.  It says far more about how they feel about themselves than it does about me.  Their intent may be a gentle one, but the reality on the other side is different. It implies that I am either unable or unwilling to see issues in the relationship. Saying “I’m no good for you,”  says that I’m incapable of seeing that for myself. It emotionally infantilizes me.  It says that I don’t have the emotional wherewithal to make healthy decisions for myself.  That I’m blind to the flaws in my partners, or in denial.  I am not.

What I am is flexible.  I try very hard to accept people, and situations exactly as they are. I am constantly looking at my own motivations and emotions to be sure I am being true to myself.  By nature, I’m very accommodating and mellow.  Very few things rile me and I can adapt to almost anything. I may bitch and moan about how much I hate change, but I can deal with it effectively.  It’s not that I’m in denial, it’s just that most shit just doesn’t bother me.  Most people aren’t like that. I am gentle and I am unassuming. Because it’s so unusual…it’s read as passivity or weakness. I’ve been called a doormat.  I’m not. I just don’t care about 90% of what my partners do. As long as you’re not hurting me, or yourself it’s fine.  You do you.

I’m not delusional.  I haven’t spent 10 years in therapy working to be so unaware of my own intentions.  I also haven’t spent so much time working with my own emotions to be blind to my partner’s.  I’ve seen the things about them that make them think I deserve better. The pain, the confusion, and the old wounds are visible. I’m aware that sometimes the reactions leveled at me aren’t mine and that I’ve poked an old wound.  I know why they don’t trust me. I know why they can’t open up. I’ve been to the places they can’t go yet. I’m not in denial of their scars or faults.  I just accept them as an integral part of who they are.  I love the entire woman….not just the pleasant fun parts.

So I don’t deserve better, whatever they think that may be.  There have been so many things about every woman I’ve been in a relationship with that I’ve loved. Each has brought the most wonderful things into my life. I have grown with each. I’ve walked away from them a far far richer person.  I have also walked away from relationships that were damaging. I am fully able to take care of myself. What has confused them, I think is that I felt love for the totality of their being.  The parts of themselves they hate or are ashamed of…I love. I love the pieces of them that they see as unlovable. Being able to do that for someone else has made it easier to love those parts of myself. Loving my partners has helped me heal myself.  There can be nothing better and it is everything that I deserve.