I’m a duck.  I am the daughter of a duck.  The things that bother most people just roll off my back, like water.  Very few things upset me for any length of time and I find it easy to distract myself if they do.   I can compartmentalize my emotions and can shut them down to get shit done when I have to. Usually, when things get overwhelming I can meditate and breathe into my emotions and accept them.  Dealing with negative things in my life has been challenging, but I have always been able to manage the emotions associated with them.  I am having a very hard time doing that right now.

Why?  I have a lot of things going on at the same time for a long time.  I’m not going to go into any deep detail, but suffice it say it’s big stuff.  Sick parent, lose your job, get dumped, run out of money stuff.  Add to this I’m in the process of buying a house. ( I’m buying a house to save money. what???)  Oh, let’s not forget, I work in retail, which is a separate Hell all it’s own.  I am completely overwhelmed.  My usual strategies aren’t working right now. I feel like I have a toddler sitting on my chest. I could literally punch a nun I’m so stressed.

Well, not literally punch a nun.  I’m just feeling very out of control at the moment.  I’ve never been this anxious.  Years ago, I would have just drunk to make this go away.  I was worried and freaked out about so many things when I was young.  It was really easy to have a drink and forget my worries.  I haven’t had a drink in 14 years and have been functioning quite well without it.  I am so not used to being anxious, it’s usually the opposite I have issues with.  I have no healthy historical coping skills to fall back on.  No one gave me the manual for this!!

So, I’m going to keep breathing into it.  Some of it will get better with time. Heartbreak is excruciating but finite. Papa Duck’s health crisis has calmed. I’m doing what I can to fix my financial situation..applying for jobs, buying a house, etc. I just need to stay as present as I can and be with it all. It’s horrible and uncomfortable but it’s where I need to be right now. I think the lesson is to stay and not avoid it. Or, I can go out and find a nun to punch.