Wow, what a week!  That’s not meant in any kind of positive way.  What a terrible week to be a woman.  It’s even more awful if you happen to be a survivor of sexual assault.  We had to sit an watch a political fight over allowing a possible attempted rapist onto the Supreme Court. Some argued it didn’t happen, some arguing that it doesn’t matter if it did as it was 30 odd years ago.  Of course, many women felt that we should believe the victim and any shadow of a doubt is enough to keep Drunky McDrunkypants off the court.  Regardless, there were so very many horrible moments and just SO many people to choose from for our Feminist Fuck You Friday it was a difficult decision.

First, we have Fox News Contributor (Already ripe for a fuck you), Kevin Jackson.  He’s been a commentator on FN for a few years and wrote the book “Race Pimping: The Multi-Trillion Dollar Business of Liberalism.” which I am sure not one of you has read. Or ever seen in a store. Or ever heard of.  His comment about the Kavanaugh accusers was as sensitive and nuanced as you would expect from a Fox News employee. “Feminists are their own worst enemies, and enemy of women,” Jackson wrote on Twitter Thursday morning. “TO HELL with the notion that women must be believed no matter what. Lying skanks is what these 2 women are, and we ALL know more”.  He went on to blather more gobblygook about Dems waging a war on men ( I wish) and the usual conservative anti-woman propaganda. This story has a happy ending though…because Fox News fired his ass!  He never really fit in there anyway…

Let’s not forget the man of the hour, Brett Kavanaugh. Wow, what an obnoxious little prick he is!  His testimony after that of his accuser was a master class in white male entitlement. No remorse, no “I’m sorry” just an absolute rage at being called out for his shit. How many times did he mention how his “good name” had been tarnished? At no time did he appear to have any remorse.  He refused to answer questions posed and was outright disrespectful to Democratic senators. He was a whiny, crying, and belligerent hot mess.  It was pretty much the worst fucking job interview ever.  But, he’s white and rich so you know he’s going to be hired by the guys who look just like him whether he’s an angry violent drunk or not. We all know he’s lying though, and so does she.

Like last week though, we do have a clear-cut winner. Lindsey Graham, senator for South Carolina. Gurl….guuurrrlllll…we see you.  Miss Graham, if you’re nasty, used to be a critic of Trump back in the day.  They had a little golf outing…maybe some pictures were exchanged and all of sudden Lindsey is Trump’s biggest fan!  He went all the way in (no pun intended) with President Hobgoblin’s nomination of Barney Gumble.  He refused to entertain the very idea that any sexual contact occurred and basically called the accusers liars.  Thennnn…Sis went batshit and claimed it was all a big conspiracy by the Dems and the C word. ( Not that one…Lindsey’s never seen one of those…Clintons!) He then went on an angry rant about how Kavanaugh’s life was being destroyed by the allegations. No mention of how the victim’s lives had been changed. Uhh…his job interviews had harder questions…that’s about it. He’ll be fine.

Now, I have been told we’re not supposed to question Graham’s sexuality or gay shame him.  Uh huh…that’s great and all but as a GOP senator he votes on legislation that negatively affects women and LGTBQ people all the time.  If he’s compromised because of blackmail, or just operates out of general internalized homophobia and anti women dickishness he needs to be shamed.  There is no shame in being gay, but there is in being an asshole.  Just suck a dick already.  Better blatant than latent.  So, please join me…and Uncle Sam in awarding the Fabulous Miss Lindsey Graham a Feminist Friday Fuck You!!

Really, Lindsey…just go be gay and happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have decided that every week I’m going to pick a recipient for a great big juicy fuck you. Someone who does, or says, something so egregiously anti-woman that they deserve all the shame and derision possible heaped upon them.  Someone so bloody awful, that even nonfeminists would say, “That’s some serious bullshit.”  This week, the inaugural one poses quite the challenge.  How to only pick one person to single out for this gift. There are just so many to choose from!!

There’s rotting gourd and tiny handed pussy grabber Trump. He’s been pretty quiet about the Kavanaugh kerfuffle then posted this little gem.

 

 

We all know one.  The “Pick Me Bitch”.  That woman or girl who has nothing good to say about other women. Hyper judgemental and more often than not, parroting the criticisms of women made by men. Quick to comment on other’s women’s lives by unfavorably comparing them to hers. She’s “not like other girls”.  She doesn’t engage in all the lame shit the rest of the feminine world does. She’s far too evolved to hang around other women with all their dramas. She’s too cool for female friends. She’s special.

Even if you don’t know one personally, you’ve seen them on TV or read their opinions.  You’ve seen the online posts and memes. They say and post such things as “if he cheats, it’s your fault”  “Men date sluts but marry good girls” “of course men see you as a ho, look at all the sexy selfies you post”   I can post myriad examples of women being awful to other women. All going back to how the poster is different and so much better than the thots. (That is a word that means “that ho over there” cute huh?)

Why? Why do women do this?  Male approval, of course!  Now, some of us may not know that’s why…but that’s why.  We may learn it from our parents and society. The male view is always the dominant view.  We may not even be aware when we do it, but think about how common it is.  Basically, she’s internalized the misogyny that’s all around us every day.  Men do not like or are confused about things women may do and so those things become derogatory. The pick me girl repeats and believes the core male beliefs about women.  This can manifest in so many different ways. Think of all the things about women men complain about.

Why does this even matter? Who cares if some women don’t like other women?  It matters because the pick me girl is validating all those make bullshit assumptions about how women are.  She’s telling them that their sexist opinions are true.  It makes misogyny okay. How can a man’s thoughts about women be wrong when there are women who can prove his point?  Feminists are just too sensitive and uptight. This girl is “one of the guys” in the worst possible way.  Think of GOP woman politicians and you get the gist of the issue.

There’s nothing I can do to change individuals behavior. I can’t make “pick me”s stop being so problematic.  I can call them out on their bullshit and I often do.  I had an incredibly brainwashed girl tell me a victim of an assault was “asking for it” because she was alone with two guys.  I’m pretty sure that a conversation she won’t forget. We sometimes think as feminists, that we can’t fault other women. Bullshit, anyone supporting rape culture needs to be told what’s what…and in the strongest of terms. Be vocal and always remember that silence often is viewed as tacit agreement.  Tell the Pick Me Bitch exactly what she is…a bitch.

 

 

Hey, remember when Sean Penn was cool? Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Back before we found out he used to beat the shit out of Madonna on the regular. Before we knew about his temper and history of violence? Way back before he started looking like the dried up mystery part dog chews in the bins at Petco? Remember when his opinion was relevant? Remember that time? Yeah…me either.

Well, Mr. Rage Stroke has an opinion about the #MeToo movement, because, of course, he does.  He said, “I’m very suspicious of a movement that gets glommed onto, in great stridency and rage, and without nuance. And even when people try to discuss it in a nuanced way, the nuance itself is attacked … It’s too black and white. In most things that are very important, it’s really good to just slow down.”  Penn further stated that the “spirit of the movement” was to divide men and women.  Well then. Huh. Nuance.

The nuance he’s looking for is on the side of the men involved. We should be sensitive to their feelings.  You know, hear them out and get their side of the story.  We’re not spending enough time focusing on the men involved!!  We need to be concerned with how accusations of sexual misconduct affect them. Why you can’t even defend a rapist without being attacked! Stop and think about the poor men!  They are being victimized by having their predatory behavior shown to the world.  Let’s not lose focus on what’s really important here, men’s comfort. Oh, and nuance, don’t forget that.

Let’s look at a current example, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.  He’s the somewhat embattled choice of the racist guy white people elected.  He’s the usual conservative mix of misogyny and billionaire bootlicking and looked like a shoe-in for confirmation.  However, it seems drunken Brett attacked a classmate at a party when he was 17.  She says it was an attempted rape, which he of course denies.  Pay attention now, this is where the nuance comes in.

The GOP is giving him the benefit of the doubt, most calling it fabricated. Quite a few seem to think that even if true, it doesn’t matter.  Most are treating it as a youthful indiscretion, “rough horseplay” someone called it.  Not one Republican man in the Senate Judiciary Committee seems to have a problem with this accusation.  They are taking Kavanaugh’s word that the incident in question never happened. The President says he “feels bad” for him because being accused is so hard.  (We’ll pretend their immediate and strong condemnation of Al Franken wasn’t a political show)

The accuser, however, has had her personal information published by hackers. She’s received death threats as has her family and is currently in hiding.  She’s had to move and take a leave from her profession.  People are questioning her integrity. Why did she wait so long to tell anyone? Why was she alone in a room with two boys?  Was she drinking? People are saying that the timing is too convenient, she must be a Democratic plant. Her life is effectively ruined.  Her life is in turmoil because she recounted her experience with Kavanaugh. This is why victims wait so long to come forward, or why most never do.

This is why the #MeToo movement became a phenomenon.  Women started actually sharing their stories. Not necessarily pressing charges, but telling people what happened to them. Some had been holding on to their secrets for decades.  The hashtag is a way of showing solidarity, of saying yeah, this also happened to me. It also served to help show men, often disbelieving men, how prevalent sexual harassment and abuse actually are. I like to think that men of good conscience, ones who believe women’s stories understand how angry women are.  People who do no abuse have nothing to fear from the anger of abuse victims.  The rage and stridency are directed at perpetrators, not all men.  Funny how men like Sean Penn are so concerned with the anger of abuse victims and so worried about it dividing the sexes. Actually, it’s rape culture and men’s sense of entitlement to women’s bodies that divides us.  Sean Penn’s not comfortable with #MeToo? Good, he shouldn’t be.

 

 

 

I just saw that Jian Ghomeshi had an essay published in the New York Review of Books.  For those of you not familiar with him, he’s a famous Canadian radio personality.  He’s also a famous Canadian sexual predator.  Three different women accused him of sexual assault.  His defense to the charges was that they had been engaging in consensual “kinky” relationships and had filed charges when the relationships went bad.  Not the first time I’ve heard this defense. (Think Eric Schneiderman) These men are supposedly being persecuted by jilted lovers for consensual violent behavior. Hmmm…I see.  Let me explain why this is utter bullshit. (This is the point where family or friends who may not want TMI should stop reading.)

One of the very first things you learn in the BDSM community is consent.  It’s so vitally important that you get enthusiastic consent for anything you do to someone. A very big part of that is talking before anything ever happens. What are each other’s likes or dislikes? What are soft limits that can be explored? What are hard limits? Every aspect of the relationship or scene if it’s a one-time thing are carefully explored to be sure everyone’s on board and understands what’s going on.  We also know that even if it’s all discussed beforehand if anyone’s uncomfortable…everything stops.  Just about everyone’s heard of safe words. The idea of having a safe word originated from the BDSM community.  Safe, sane, and consensual.  Let me tell you, most of the people in the “kinky” community are very careful.

Not to say it’s all perfect.  Just about anyone who’s been involved in BDSM has a story of a scene gone wrong.  We all have one.  My only sexual assault as an adult occurred due to my partner and I not talking nearly as much about things beforehand as we should have. Miscommunication can be a dangerous thing when power dynamics and possible violence is in the mix.  I know lots of people, mostly women, who can tell similar stories. While what happened to me legally met the definition of a sexual assault, I didn’t file charges.  Why not? Because it was one event in a  relationship that was completely consensual even if the situation may not have been.  We talked about it later, analyzed how we got there and it actually made our communication better.

This is why I know Ghomeshi wasn’t in a “consensual” BDSM relationship. It sounds much more like he’s a typical abuser who views himself as just being “kinky”. I can’t guess as to whether he believed the women involved might be open to it or not. Regardless, thinking someone might like something and consent are vastly different things. That’s not kinky, that’s assault. Unfortunately, the community is a draw for predatory men who believe all women want a dominant man. I’ve met quite a few who really think that deep down all women “Like it rough”. There certainly are women who do, but being a safe BSDM partner takes sensitivity and open communication. People generally don’t have their partners arrested unless something very bad has happened.

Ghomeshi claiming a consensual relationship puts the onus of proof back onto the victims. It casts immediate doubt on their stories, at least among the vanilla population.  Without an understanding of consent and how it works in the community, you can almost believe him. Hence, this post.  Consent is situational. Spanking is not choking.  Bondage is not beating.  But mostly, consent is fluid, it flows both ways. Just because Ghomeshi says he had consent it’s not true unless his partner agrees.  He’s just another predatory abuser using the BDSM community as a convenient cover for his sexual assaults. All of us in the community, past or present, need to call this out and let people know the truth. He may claim it, but Jian Ghomeshi is not one of us.