It’s been a minute since I’ve posted. A couple of years maybe? I started this blog out of a need to vent. Trumpism and the fascist direction he was driving the country towards were horrifying. I also used it as a way to share my journey as a person navigating the world. A new relationship and a new job distracted me from my blog. They also distracted me from the personal work I’d been doing to deal with the traumas I’ve endured. The job and the relationship are gone, so here I am again.

I was raised to work. Period. It’s what you do. Growing up in poverty meant you scrambled for every penny. Missing a shift could mean missing your rent payment. You worked no matter what. Sick? Go to work. Depressed? Go to work. I had a heart attack and was back at work two weeks later. Why? Because I was going to have to be on unpaid leave. You do not miss paychecks. So I have worked, steadily, solidly, and dependably for 35 years. There have multiple times I worked or went to work when it wasn’t healthy or safe for me to do so. Why? I work. It’s who I am. I may not be the best employee, but you could always count on me to be there.

Because of the obviously, dysfunctional relationship I have with work, I have neglected my physical and mental health for my job. I never even considered doing otherwise. My first priority is working. I have an extremely panful injury to my foot. It’s difficult to be on my feet for any length of time due to the pain. It’s progressively gotten worse over the last year or so. I wear a brace and have been prescribed pain meds. I have hobbled along with it steadily getting worse, and me upping my Vicodin dose as it did so. Needless to say, an employee taking that many pain pills is not going to be successful. The pain got worse and worse, as did my performance until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t work in my current state, I’ve exceeded safe dosage levels for my pain meds and the pain make it impossible for me to function in a professional way. Even doing basic day to day stuff is proving difficult.

So I’m not working, which is absolutely terrifying. I’m going to be having a particularly nasty sounding surgery on my foot (Breaking/fusing bones, etc.). That doesn’t scare me…not working does. I’m waiting for my disability approval to go through and I’ll breathe a little once that does. I have had a burning hole in my stomach for a week. Everyone tells me to rest and relax and I am having a difficult time. It’s not just the financial uncertainty of it all. Work has been my life for so long. Now I have to figure out who I am without it. Now, it seems I have the time.